Sunday, August 17, 2014

Missing......

I have been Missing in Action this summer.  I wish I could say that it was due to all the sunshine, rainbows, and unicorn riding that I have been enjoying, but that would be a far call from the truth. (Unicorns aren't even real, silly).  Instead, a series of events: Mr. F's increased work schedule (gone all hours of the day and night), Mr. F's health problems (vertigo episodes with ultimate Meniere's diagnosis), no time for exercise, and interrupted sleep impacted me severely and took me to a crazy place.  I had reached a Point of No Return.  (Unfortunately, my Point of No Return did not feature a virile Gerald Butler serenading me.  That might have changed things.)  I had to take immediate steps to improve my mental health.  I explored therapists and medication, but ultimately felt that I really just needed to 1) get sleep and 2) exercise.

To get more sleep, I needed to partially nightwean Enna.  She was waking up every two to three times a night which meant that I was sleeping in three to four hour bursts.  That actually doesn't sound horrible.........for a baby.  However, Enna is now 18 months and capable of longer sleep.  Also, my health needed to take priority.  (I felt a lot of guilt with that statement.  And a lot of sadness that I was so broken.)  So, Enna spent some nights being really upset and unhappy, and we still aren't even fully nightweaned.  She wakes up once to nurse and for right now, that is enough.  I am getting a large chunk of sleep at the beginning of the night and the battle is postponed until I have the mental and emotional resources to change that status quo.      

For exercise, I sacrifice my evening hour(s) after I have put the children to bed to exercise.  Believe me, it is the last thing I want to do at the end of a really long and trying day, but it was THE only time of the day consistently available and it was either that or go crazy so.......I guess I will spend thirty minutes of my nights riding our stationary spinning bike or dedicating my yoga practice to mental stability.  Hence the other reason for the radio silence.  (Or rather the internet silence).  All my former spare time spent writing posts, sewing, reading, or doing any other fulfilling hobby has now been taken over by my need to generate happy endorphins.  

All this leaves me a bit bitter.  I am bitter that I am apparently so emotionally and mentally fragile.  I know many friends who practically single parent for years with more kids and stress and less money, yet they seem to cope and still have time engage in some creative pursuits.  What gives?  

The bright side (yes there is a bright side to this rather depressing post on depression) is that I am feeling much more the thing.  It seems that I really did just need to sleep more and to get regular, consistent exercise.  This is relieving since I felt loath to take any medication (mainly due to a lack of trust for local medical practitioners) and trying to find a good therapist seemed like so much effort.  I am still keeping those doors open in case the need arises however.  I don't want you to think that I am irresponsible or anything.  The creative bug has also bit me again.  I find myself planning and making and hey, even writing.  Too bad I still have that tiny little problem with NOT HAVING ENOUGH TIME.  Sa la vie.  

  

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