Sunday, April 26, 2009

Eating My Words

I admit that at times, I can be very judgmental. But whether it be karma or divine justice, I, more often than not, find myself the victim of my own previous condemnations.

For example, I used to silently sneer at those women who had minor breakdowns when their husbands traveled. I used to think to myself, “get a hold of yourself, woman! The world will not end in the few days/week that your husband will be gone. How subservient to be so dependent on your husband’s presence.” Little did I know about love and marriage.

Mr. F. left today to go to Finland for work. He will be gone a week. Although I am already 10 times farther in my current book than under normal circumstances (extra reading time being an added bonus, I suppose), I find that I am mopey, anxious, and yes, even a bit weepy. This isn’t even our first separation since being married. I have taken off a number of times for week-long stretches for meetings and such, but this is the first time HE has left ME. When you are away, the absence of your spouse’s presence isn’t as keenly felt as when you are home--everything is different. However, when you are home, when everything is the same except for that person, their absence is acutely noticed.

It is a bit of a shock to find out how dependent on Mr. F. I have become in such a short time. To find out how much I value our little daily rituals: mealtimes, watching TV, sharing an after dinner snack, reading before bed, and snuggling before sleep. To just have his presence in the house even if we are in different rooms doing different things. And yes, our separation is only for a short time—a mere week. However, it gives me a brief glimpse into what it would be like to be alone, without him. And honestly? It scares the living daylight out of me.

Now I understand those wives-whose anxiety I silently mocked. I understand that what they were reacting to was the fleeting vision of a life containing a big, gaping black hole that used to be filled by their best friend, love, and companion. I now find that instead of ridicule towards them, I have deep and heartfelt compassion.


Hizzeather said...

Awwww! I feel the same way. Although I am fine and I try not to be a big baby, it's so hard to be separated!

I am the same way...whenever I come out and say I will never do something, or publicly mock something, I eventually do the very thing I swore not to. Like how I swore I would never "abondon" my friends when I got married. :(

Angela Noelle said...

Hey! Found you through Janssen and loved your post - very sweet without being nauseating. I then came to visit your blog in all its goodness, and realised Sherry had also shared you...don't you get around! Love your work! ;) - from NZ

Lady Susan said...

Thank you, Angela! What a lovely comment. Yes, I abhor cloyingly sweet, lovely-doveyness. Prior to marriage, I had firmly resolved never to sink to such abysmal levels once I entered the marriage state. Little did I realize how difficult that would be at times. Occasionally, I indulge myself--though I try not to overdose. It appears that, with this post at least, I have succeeded.

I also didn't realize I was even remotely popular. What a pleasant thought--that others might find my ditherings worth while. Thanks for taking a turn about the blog and saying hi.


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