Well, supposedly I am pregnant. I heard about this from Mr. F., who heard about it from a past acquaintance, who currently lives across the country. She heard it from SWMNBN who heard it from someone who saw me eating saltines at Stake Conference (a larger regional church meeting that happens twice a year).
Did you get all that?
There is so many things wrong with this statement. Where do I begin?
1) I am not pregnant.
2) I was not eating saltines. I was eating Barbara’s oatmeal squares which Mr. F. had brought to munch on. And as I am an urchin when it comes to food, especially that of my husband’s, I was eating them too. This would mean, based on similar logic, that Mr. F. is pregnant too. And that is WAY more interesting news.
Some things you should know:
1) These meetings are long and always at the worse time. It also takes an hour to get to the meeting house. So even if I eat before hand, after an hour of driving, an hour of waiting for the meeting to start (because you need to leave early to get a good seat and reasonable parking), and an hour into the meeting, I am feeling in need of a little light snack. Hence the covert (or not so covert as the case may be) eating. Dude people, I have some blood sugar levels I like to maintain.
2) I really don’t like the idea of other people speculating on Mr. F.’s and my fertility. I also, don’t like them sharing those speculations under the guise of fact with other people. Especially with those of whom I am not acquainted.
My main question though: was it really necessary for The Informant to share this particular piece of faulty knowledge with Mr. F.’s ex? Does he/she really think SWMNBN cares? People, she has moved on! She lives across the country. There are no regrets. And did it never occur to The Informant that Mr. F. might be on good enough terms with SWMNBN that IF we were expecting a child, we might actually tell her ourselves?
No, because it is SO much more interesting to imagine that there are feelings of jealousy/anger/regret/etc that will be fed off of information such as this.
So there you go boys and girls. The lesson today is: don’t eat food at church. Not unless you expect to field questions about due dates and whether “a blessed event” is about to occur.