Friday, August 31, 2007

My Kissing Skills

My lab mate came in today with a package of starbursts. On seeing the brightly colored wrapped squares, I was transported back to my middle school sleepovers where we watched The Cutting Edge, ate junk food, and practiced our sexy kissing skills by unwrapping starburst squares with our tongues.

Now, we have all heard of the correlation between kissing ability and the ability to tie knots in cherry stems, but back in my day, the correlation was also true for unwrapping starbursts. We would sit in a circle on the floor with a big bowl of rainbow colored squares in the center and have unwrapping competitions. Many a starbursts were eaten in pursuit of kissing prowess. I believe, at one point, I got quite good.

My lab mates had never heard this; so for old time’s sake, we made the attempt. Whatever skills I may have had people, I have lost. My showing was poor indeed, the packaging only coming half way off. However in comparison to my competitors, perhaps I fared none too bad. One lab mate forfeited due to excessive gagging and the other only successfully saturated the packaging.

This stroll down memory lane left me re-evaluating the objective of this exercise. For one thing, the act of unwrapping the starburst leaves much to be desired as a visual. Imagine a cow chewing some curd and you would get an accurate image. I doubt that I would inspire passionate kisses though a display of this amazing skill. However, it could be that this is an excellent preparatory tool for kissing. I imagine that it increases the flexibility of the lips and strengths the jaw which would in turn maximize make-out sessions. In fact, after just that one starburst, my jaw ached uncomfortably.

Unfortunately, my kissing skills as perfected by my middle-school self deteriorated from disuse. And now that I have a new perspective and a new set of theories, I have no one on which to test my hypotheses. *Sigh* Such is the unfairness of life.

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