Monday, June 25, 2007

Identity Theft

I am being stalked and my identity subsequently being taken over by my roommate—Sr. Loco. All of his friends have moved away (lucky them) and as a result, my presence is requested for all extra-curricular outings…..“Hey, [Lady Susan] do you want to go canoeing on Saturday?”, “Do you want to watch this movie with me?” etc, etc all said in his creepy Sr. Loco voice. I already live and work at the same place, so no, I do not want to spend any more time with him. Besides, he is weird, in an unsettling way….lurking, silently stealing up to you until he is RIGHT THERE, and in your face. It would give anyone the heebie jeebies. And, not only can I not get away from him, he is parasitizing my life.

Case number 1: He has started baking. As you can tell from my other entries, I am a baker. I bake bread, cookies, muffins, etc. I bake and then I freeze, taking out items as needed. I only bake however, when I need to bake. This is important. I do not bake unnecessarily. Sr. Loco has taken it in his head to start baking. He started out with chocolate chip cookies. Fine. Whatever. I don’t really care. However, the next day, he made brownies, and a week after that, chocolate crackle cookies--my chocolate crackle cookies. The first problem with this scenario is that I didn’t like the idea of him making the same cookies as me. It seemed too intimate, like we are family or close friends. I don’t want to have any sort of culinary ties with him. The second problem is he still had food in the freezer that needed to be eaten. He was baking indiscriminately…taking up precious freezer space…..my freezer space (cue the Gollum voice “It’s mines! It’s mines!). Wasteful.

Case number 2: He is taking over my music choice. One night I was playing Dar Williams in my room (the key phrase here is “in my room” indicating I don’t want to be disturbed by psycho housemates). Unfortunately, my loft room doesn’t come with a door so he can just call up to my room. And because I don’t have a door, I can’t pretend that I can’t hear him. So, as I was listening to Dar, he called up to me in my room initiating an unwanted conversation. “Hey [Lady Susan], who are you listening to?” So, I told him, even though I didn’t want to. Again it goes back to this intimacy thing. I don’t want to share similarities with him. And good reason because the next thing I know, he is checking out all her albums from the library, asking me questions as to how I like a particular song, or if I have heard one of her albums etc., basically pretending that he discovered her and is now generously sharing his knowledge, opinions, etc with me. The punk.

Case number 3: He wants to go to the same concerts as I do. During the summer there are free summer concerts by the river. Last Friday, the concert was playing excerpts from Gilbert and Sullivan operettas. I adore Gilbert and Sullivan and so was excitedly planning on attending. Unfortunately, Sr. Loco also really wanted to go. And because he lives in the same place as I do, I can’t really go and not tell him I am going. So we went together. The overall experience was tarnished by the fact that I had to sit uncomfortably close to him the entire time. I am also pretty confident that Sr. Loco has never even heard of Gilbert and Sullivan, which made it really frustrating for me to hear him to say, “I really like the Mikado. I think that is my favorite.” thirty minutes after hearing me say that I really liked the Mikado. I of course called him out on it, asking him the plot line and which particular song he liked. He, of course, couldn’t respond properly because he wouldn’t know the Mikado from the Pirates of Penzance if it came and bit him in the butt. Idiot.

Case number 4: He tries to force me to eat his food. Let it be known that I do not like being forced into doing something, and I really don’t like being forced to eat something I don’t want to eat. When Sr. Loco made the chocolate crackle cookies, he said that I had to try one. Unfortunate choice of words because it garnered the opposite reaction….I felt like smashing the cookie in his face. Then this weekend he made me an omelet. I got up early Saturday morning in order to take off first thing to my sister’s house. I had planned on grabbing a couple of muffins from the freezer to eat on the way. On coming down stairs, I find Sr. Loco in the kitchen cooking and an omelet sitting on a plate waiting for me. You might be tempted to think, “Aww, how sweet.” No! This is not sweet. This is psycho. He never asked if I wanted an omelet or what I wanted in my omelet. He never asked what my plans were to see if I even had time to eat the omelet. Where does he get off making me food without asking? This is not natural. This is not making food for yourself and offering it to your roommates if they so desire. No, this is making food specifically for someone. This indicates a certain degree of relationship…..something I do not want with Sr. Loco.

And finally, I have been coerced into taking ballroom dance lessons with him. Just….don’t ask. So, the question remains. What can I do? Unfortunately I can't inject myself with heavy metals like I can with other parasites in order to purge my body. I really need to get him another friend. Does anyone have an extra that they can donate to the cause?

4 comments:

yola said...

Dude, sounds like someone's got a crush...maybe you can, uh, poison him or something...

Lin said...

coerced into ballroom dance lessons?! After all that? Sounds like he's desperate for social interaction but too socially inept to go looking for it outside of the apartment. i second the motion to poison....

rittie said...

You were able to refuse the omelet, how come you went soft of the dance lessons? Pretty soon, it sounds like he will be the perfect guy for you with all that cooking and dancing . . .

Retail Worker #48721093 said...

You should force him to take ballet lessons. And make him wear tights. Might get him to back off.

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