Wednesday, April 11, 2007

Incompetence

It has been a busy week, and I can’t see it slowing down any time soon. I have reached my breaking point of the semester. It is the final hour when major project due dates and finals loom in the very close future. The pressure is on, and I do not perform well under pressure. I crack. I function splendidly the first three quarters of the semester only to loose it completely at the end. Take for example my statistics class last semester where I got near perfect grades on all assignments and tests and then completely bombed the final. Not only does my school work dissolve into shambles, but so does the rest of my life. Bills, correspondence, extra curricular activities all get pushed to the sidelines until some later date when I will have the leisure to attend to them. Such has been my mental state of late.

Enter my friend M. M. is my friend from Pasadena. We didn’t know each other all that long before I moved across the country; but in that short time, I formed a lasting attachment. She was visiting her sister who lives relatively close to me and invited me to spend Easter when them. It was fabulous! M. is one of the coolest people I know. She is also one of the most competent. She makes things happen. She wants to run a marathon…….she runs a marathon. She wants to visit South America……she travels alone to South America. I envy her. In contrast, I always seem to find excuses to not do the things I really want to do: lack of money, time, courage, opportunities etc. And after seeing her last weekend, I recognize these for what they are: excuses. M’s situation is no better place, yet look at what she manages to do.

The contrast between my dreary disarrayed life and her vibrant, competent life was painful in the extreme. What is more depressing is that I am not sure that my life will change, even after this wake-up call. Can a person who is used to avoiding the bull suddenly about face and grab it by the horns? I don’t know. I wish I could perform under pressure; I wish I had the courage and skills to make the things I want to happen, happen.

But as they say, the road to hell is paved with good intentions…..wishing doesn’t count.

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